Abuse is manipulating or treating another person with cruelty or violence, especially repeatedly, in order to gain power and control.

No! Abuse happens in many different forms, however certain federal & state courts have different determining factors in which one can be convicted of Domestic Violence. This is a common misunderstanding that traps many people in abusive relationships. You do not need to be hit or physically abused to be in an abusive relationship.

View our guide to defining various forms of abuse here.

There are several red flags that can indicate an abusive relationship, some may include:

• Love bombing

• Pressuring or controlling your time, friend groups, or activities

• Making you question your version of events, your opinions, or the truth

• Blocking your entrances or exits with their body, or yelling / cursing angrily at you

View a guide to common early red flags of abuse here.

While a person may have the capacity to change, they have to be deeply interested and committed to everything that goes into changing. The Hotline speaks about this more in depth, check out what they say here.

There are minimal programs, organizations, or research around these topics. Even though Batter Intervention Programs (BIP) exist, what little research has been done, shows that BIPs have a small but significant effect. As we transition away from risk reduction and carceral approaches, we have seen a shift to more resources around supporting folks who cause harm and transformative justice in the domestic violence space. Common Justice has several articles and videos that break down what the future of all parties healing from violence can look like.

Click here to take a short quiz by Love Is Respect to see if if the person who abused you is actually changing.

Someone who causes harm may have experienced abuse within their childhood or past relationships. This is not an excuse for perpetuating violence, as they still need to seek help and take actions that move towards accountability... While it can be important to acknowledge their abuse, you need to prioritize your healing and well-being, as it is not your responsibility to heal them.

Similarly to above, even if someone is performing abusive behaviors and actions because they are mentally unstable or dealing with their own PTSD or trauma from their past, this does not give them an excuse to abuse or continue these cycles. Each individual is responsible for their own body and actions as adults, regardless of their past traumas or current mental stability.

It has been proven that couple’s counseling does not help or improve abusive relationships. This is because abuse isn’t a “relationship problem,” it is solely the fault of the person who caused harm, and thus, it must be their responsibility to improve in order to salvage the relationship. TheHotline.org has a fantastic article on why they do not recommend couple’s counseling for abusive relationships.

First, it is important for you to understand that what you are experiencing is not your fault. You are not the cause for “breaking up your family” if you choose to leave to be safe from the abuse.

Studies, however, have proven several staggering statistics about children who grow up in homes where they heard or witnessed domestic violence. The developmental period of a child’s life can be drastically affected - even if they don’t see the violence or yelling, but hear it from another room. Children who witness violence between parents may also be at greater risk of being violent in their future relationships. The Office on Women’s Health has additional information and resources about this topic.